If my mind were a child's toy teaching them how to sort shapes through the correct and fitting hole, my mind would force the circle blocks through a triangular hole. Misconstruing every thought, every moment, every sense.
Rationality escapes me and catastrophising takes over.
There's been moments where I've pushed myself over the edge; one self abusive thought that harms my mind and my body.
A lust for my own blood shed is what I long for.
A want to be swallowed up whole by the earth, the ground, the soil that is beneath my feet. That soil underneath me is as low as I can get.
Nothing is straightforward. Happiness isn't just happiness. And sadness isn't just sadness.
Many a thing contributes to my mindset and thought process.
Anxiety, self esteem, a not quite normal relationship with food. All of these things add up and band together to bring me down. They hit me harder than a tonne of bricks. Some days they anchor me down so I physically feel their weight, not being able to find motivation or able to find myself.
But still, always still, I go on. I play my part. I play it so well that Oscar nominees writhe in jealousy at my skill. Flawless and tactile I go on through life; my outer shell is hard. It's painted with confidence, finished with positivity.
It is fake. As fake as those Oscar nominees who would die for such a skill of facade.
Not everything is covered in darkness.
I have sought help. And plan to get better.
I plan to see the light at the end of the tunnel. And when it's within my reach, to grasp it, grasp it hard and to not let go.
I understand there will be steps forward and steps back. But I'll take it as it comes. We all need to take it as it comes.
But one thing I'm certain of is a little bit of help can go a long way.
Find yourself some help today.
#itaffectsme
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