Thursday 18 February 2016

I am a Work in Progress by Laura Darrall



So I think I’ve needed to write this since the beginning. I am a work in progress. Running this campaign has given me such hope and strength but it also, sneakily, led me to believe that I was fixed. I’m not. I have had relapses along the way, being on social media so much has increased my anxiety and I am tired. So very tired. But it is worth it. Worth every single yawn, heart palpitation and tear.

I wanted to write that because I needed to take my own advice, to start a conversation and to look after myself. Here I am asking you all to be honest and share your feelings and stories about your own mental health whilst I’ve been trying to hide mine, to be strong for the campaign.

And I am strong for the campaign, but I am also human. A human in recovery. And do you know what? That’s ok. I wouldn’t be adhering to my own advice if it wasn’t.

I think what is so hard about coming out the other side of difficult mental health is looking back on all the destruction and pain that it caused both you and your loved ones and being able to forgive yourself. Now that is hard. But you must. And I must. I am trying every single day to forgive myself. To tell myself that it wasn’t my fault. 

When your mental health causes you to act a certain way or to make certain decisions it is hard to separate that from yourself, to tell yourself it is an illness. But you must. And I must.

This campaign has been the most important, overwhelmingly incredible thing I have ever been a part of in my life. The community we have built and continue to build is one so full of resilience, strength and hope that it quite literally blows my mind. 

I have been so lucky to be contacted by so many people whose bravery floors me. To face depression every day, to have your brain buffeted by OCD thoughts, your chest tightened by anxiety and to carry on, to fight, that is the heart of humanity.

We are the heart of humanity. The truth. The hard bits, the difficult bits and the ugly bits. And I for one am proud, so very proud to be a part of that community. When I see people who have never met before encouraging and supporting one another in the #itaffectsme Facebook group or on Twitter @itaffectsme, I know we have created something pretty special.

We are building a family, an army and the change won’t come from David Cameron, it won’t come from the government, it will come from us. Because we want it, we need it and we will make it happen.

I am travelling to Australia in a week’s time, a journey planned before the campaign was even a glimmer in my imagination. To rest, to feel free and to give myself some time. I will continue to spread the word while I am out there and have thankfully found some incredible support from #ItAffectsMe angels Sophie Winter (@on_thebutton), Ann Akin (@Harts_Theatre) and Robyn Cooper (@RobynJICooper) who will continue the momentum on social media whilst I am in a different time zone.

But also to you: #itaffectsme belongs to us all. We have built it together and it is all of our responsibility to keep the conversation going, to make people talk and to create the kind of world we want to live in. A world with no judgement, no fear and no stigma. So, social media: take this campaign and let it fly. I am rooting for every single one of us.

#itaffectsme and it always will. Laura x



2 comments:

  1. Hello Laura,

    I have been following your campaign (and posted a selfie of course :) since mid-January. I just wanted to commend you for your bravery, courage, and heart in all this; it's really admirable, and a showing of human compassion and love at its best. So thank you.

    We are all "works in progress" - as you say - from my estimation dear. Like they say in AA "in this life, we seek spiritual progress, not perfection" - and as my dad says ( coined way before his time I'm sure, but still a goody): "If you aim for the stars, you'll at least land on the clouds - but either way - stars or clouds - it's always better than being stuck in the muck."

    The latest statistics (which I'm sure you know) say that 1 in 5 people between the ages of 15-66 struggle with mental illness. So that means, whether you're affected directly or not - EVERYONE is affected by knowing someone or encountering mental illness.

    Mental illness or not – WE are ALL sloppy somewhere. We all have issues, problems, self-conscious hang-ups SOMETIMES about SOME THINGS. We all need grace and mercy in our lives, in the sense that none of us are perfect.

    We’re all in the same boats, voyaging on the same Ocean of life. But being brothers and sisters of humanity means loving each other and holding each other up BECAUSE of our unique scars, wounds, blemishes, and problems … NOT in spite of them. I have certainly had my share (personally and with loved ones) in this department. But I will save what I have to say in that regard to keep this post from being a book!

    I will end by saying, it's good that you are taking time to yourself - that's important - and it's evident by anyone who has been remotely following your social media that you have been doing tireless work on this front. It reminds me of a last thing my dad used to tell me that he picked up through his travels (he struggles from clinical depression by the way): "If you are thousands and thousands of miles in the sky on an airplane, and it starts going down, crashing, spinning out of control, due to damage to the plane, it gets hit or punctured ... the oxygen masks from overhead pop down, because at that altitude there is little to no oxygen, and one could pass out, faint, or even die as a result. Let's say you're sitting next to someone you really really love ... whether it be your Dad, your best friend, your girl/boyfriend, or your child, whoever it is in your life you love most or one of the most ... and the ONLY concern you have is saving their life, MAKING sure they're ok .... YOUR life to YOU is NOT as important as THEIR life is to YOU .... even if your ONLY goal is to save THEM .... YOU STILL have to put the OXYGEN MASK over YOUR face FIRST, and TAKE CARE of YOURSELF FIRST, before you can SAVE and HELP anyone else."

    Sometimes taking care of you, is taking care of others.

    No matter how good a car is on the road - it still makes gas stops and still parks in a garage every once in awhile too :)

    I emphasize this so much, because I had to take the advice myself. There are many times I've almost "crashed off the road" in life, and I'm blessed to still be around honestly. It was once said, "You preach the most, what you need to practice yourself." So that is true in my case.

    But in closing, again I just want to thank you for the bravery, courage, and heart to make this as important and talked about an issue as it should be and as you have done. All the best to you and God be with, Godspeed, and God's blessings to you always! Take care.

    Sincerely,
    MJK

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    1. Thank you so much for all your kind words and support, it means the world to me. Your dad sounds like a wise man, quite similar to mine in fact! Sending you love and good thoughts, Laura xx

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